If you are interested in reading about psychopaths, sociopaths or narcissists chances are that you have encountered one or more than one of them in your life and now you’re trying to figure out what the hack has happened. Luckily there’s a lot of online information about these kind of folk. Once you become suspicious that your partner might be one of them there are many ways of finding out whether your doubts are justified. From quizzes to the long list of traits and behavioural patterns, all you need to do is crack on and start comparing. A word of warning though, some realisations in life can be very painful, so have your hanky ready.
Anyway, I do recommend reading some of the articles. If I’m completely honest I have probably read every single one there is and my favourite is definitely The Mask of Sanity https://www.cassiopaea.com/cassiopaea/psychopath.htm. However, it’s not easy to wrap your head around these concepts, so you might spend some time feeling like you are the crazy one for even considering a possibility that your loved one has no feelings or empathy. And how are you ever supposed to accept the idea that the relationship, the love you had with your partner was just one big, ugly lie.
“Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don’t lose faith.” – Steve Jobs
Being in an emotionally abusive relationship is a very lonely place. Sometimes life indeed hits us in the head with a brick, but we must carry on. Unfortunately, there is no law that protects us from being manipulated and lied to, just as we can’t go to the police and report our spouse for being an alleged ‘psychopath’. I am saying alleged because, regardless of what we’ve been through and whether reading about psychopaths or narcissists reminds us on someone we know, most of us are not qualified to diagnose someone with a mental disorder.
However, awareness is important and education is the key. Learning and realising that there are people who suffered some deep trauma at an early age which caused them to shut their feelings down and develop great manipulative skills as a way of living and surviving is crucial. Accepting that someone we love and trust is one of those people is painful but necessary for our healing. But the real question here is how do we heal and furthermore, how do we protect ourselves. Can we ever love again?
“Whatever we put our attention on will grow stronger in our life.” – Maharishi Mahesh Yogi
Most of us have been programmed to look for the reasons of our suffering in someone else’s attitude and behaviour. So, once we finally realise that we are in an abusive relationship, our initial response is to blame our partner for betraying our love and causing us such pain. How could he or she lied to me? Why doesn’t he or she love me? What have I done to deserve to be treated like this? Questions are flooding our mind while we keep staring at that closed door trying to find the way out.
“There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that’s your own self.” – Aldous Huxley
You can search and learn, you can get angry and blame someone else but at the end of the day the only place where you can and will find the answers you seek is within you. There is a reason why you attracted an abusive and toxic person in to your life. There is a reason why you missed all the signs that something was off. There is a reason why you ignored your intuition when it tried to warn you. There is a reason why you had an excuse for your partner every time he or she was hurtful, dismissive or cruel. There is a reason why you doubted yourself. This reason is within you and your abusive partner was sent to you, not to punish you but to help you find this wound in you and heal. But you won’t find this wound if you keep focusing on your partner and whatever you perceive to be wrong with him or her.
You can’t change other people nor are you responsible for their actions, but you must be honest with yourself and take responsibility for your life.
You can learn every single thing about abusive and toxic people. You can call them psychopaths, sociopath or narcissists or you don’t have to label them at all. Your great knowledge about them won’t prevent another one from entering your life if you don’t start working on yourself.
What it is in me, that attracted this kind of relationship? What can I change about me in order to attract into my life a kind, loving partner that I believe I deserve? Ask these questions and start working on yourself.
Meditate, practice self-respect, practice self-acceptance, learn to love yourself, take your life into your hands by taking full responsibility for your happiness.
You will never let another person take your happiness away from you.